cute

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It’s the way he is displeased. 

It’s the way he looks put out, like a puppy with no playmate. It’s the way he sighs and the way he glares his exasperation, and as a cat he might swish his tail in feline agitation.

It’s the way he talks.

It’s his accent, and the timbre of his voice, and the subtle quirk in his sentence structures, and his reactionary yelps, and his tendency to count in his first language, and his not-uncommon outbursts of surprise and amazement. It’s the strength and ambiguity of his Rs. It’s the genuineness and the sheer volume of his stories. 

It’s the way he smiles and the way he laughs.

It’s the quirk of his lips, and how much higher his voice pitches with laughter, and how excited he gets when finishing a problem, when playing a game, when watching an animation or a documentary. It’s his genuine, unadulterated happiness and enthusiasm and his childlike wonder. It’s his vocal appreciation of little things like snow, and autumn-fiery trees, and crunchy leaves, and humidity.

It’s cute.

emptiness and

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve been the golden girl for so long, been coasting for so long, but now I’m falling apart at the seams and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to study anymore. I don’t want to deal with people as a whole, as demanded by society, the kind of dealing that involves smalltalk and a forced sort of amenability. I don’t want to work with other people, because that would make the work a must. I want to do what I want to do because I want to do it, not because I must, but I’m afraid that I will only do things if I must.

What options do I have? Maybe I should go into creative writing after all. Creative writing? East Asian culture? Sociology? Psychology? Some mix? These are such vastly different directions than where I wanted to be, where I thought I would be.

But I’ve pretended so hard I’ve deluded myself into thinking I could work with maths, with computer science, with science. I like thinking about these things, thinking is great— but when it is forced on me and made into work, I buckle, I rebel.

(I still like math, like programming— but for some reason I can’t make myself do what I want to when I have to.)

I need to learn self-direction, and I can’t do that while I’m forcing myself to do things for my academics.

I need a job, I need my hobbies to become my work— I cannot hold together— I cannot— I can’t—

emptiness

how can I put together what I have?

what do I have?

what is best? creative writing. by far, the skill I have ignored and suppressed the most, and thus have the most reserves to abuse.

what is acceptable? Art, drawing, and I am mindful enough that I know I can expand, should expand, and haven’t. I have room to grow, to flower, I have a style to discover and make my own.

what is mediocre? piano. voice. math. teaching. I’m not rooted enough in these things to use them, to shape my identity around them as a major, but I like them nevertheless.

what else? architecture, the first attempt. it failed, but why? because I refuse to bullshit, refuse to compromise my integrity, my honesty, my bull-headed bluntness, for the sake of my classmates, my professors. computer science, the second. and why? clinging insecurity, uncertainty, and that stupid, stupid pride.

maybe I needed to prove to myself that I was not, am not these things. that they cannot and will not define me or support me. now, though, I must choose, and choose well. I keep breaking, over and over, and if I break anymore I’ll be thrown away.

Soma Week Day 3: Insanity

Tsubaki calls her midway through her three-hour studio, worried. Professor Marie is making her way slowly through the studio, reviewing their weekend work individually, so Maka figures she can spare the time to placate her roommate.

What Maka doesn’t realize is that an estimated 60 sleepless hours has rendered her usually orderly mind a muddle of surprisingly volatile emotions which, midway through the call, violently make themselves known by way of tears, which clog up her throat and speech. This, naturally, only serves to worry Tsubaki more, and Maka grudgingly acknowledges that pulling her first ever all-nighters consecutively was maybe not the best idea.

Still, Maka didn’t pull those all-nighters only to leave just before they’re due, so she flees to the restroom to wait out her tears, reassuring Tsubaki that she’ll go back to the house after studio.

Five minutes later, Tsubaki is still insisting, so Maka apologizes and quickly hangs up on her, silences the phone, and stuffs it into her pocket. She then checks over her face in the mirror. Blotchy, and her eyes are red, so Maka turns on the tap and rinses her face. There. It’s better, but not by much. Still, the sooner she gets through these last two hours, the sooner she can go and sleep and end the madness that was this project.

Except that when she steps back into studio, she immediately spots Soul’s shock of white hair. He looks a little lost, but is doing his best to hide it, slouched casually against the side of a cabinet.

Did Tsubaki send him? How did he get here so quickly? The arts building is on the edge of campus— it should’ve taken him at least five minutes to get here from any non-arts building, and Maka hasn’t seen him in any of her classes, which are shared between pretty much all of the art majors— and shit, he’s spotted her.

She ducks down, makes her way to her desk to plop at her seat, hopes beyond hope that he’ll go away, but—

“Black☆Star called, said Tsubaki had been calling you for like fifteen minutes,” Soul explains, stopping next to her. “Said he and Tsu hadn’t seen you in a while. Which was weird, because I also haven’t seen you in a while. Told me to come drag your ass back to the house, so. Here I am?”

Maka glares at him. “Go away,” she hisses.

Soul’s hands raise defensively. “Woah, no, pleasedon’thitme, I don’t need another nosebleed. Also, c’mon, ‘Star said you’re running on like. No sleep. Since we saw you. Which was what, Tuesday?”

“Go away, Soul.”

“Can’t, Black☆Star’ll eat me for not following orders. Also, Tsu’ll make sad eyes at me for like a month, and then I’ll skip breakfast, and that would suck. Also, also, I also happen to be kinda worried. How are you still awake?”

Maka seethes, which only brings tears to her eyes, which makes her embarrassed, which makes her want to cry more, which makes her upset at herself for this horrific lack of self control. What is she, insane? Can’t even tamp down a couple of tears! Not to mention how completely and utterly shitty her project is….

“Alright, fine, you win,” Maka strangles out from between clenched teeth, her voice strained. “J-just l-l-l—” She has to stop and take a deep, stuttering breath.

Thankfully, Soul doesn’t comment, and looks away from her, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets.

“Let me pack my stuff,” Maka finishes weakly.

“Sure.”

She packs in silence. Laptop, sketchbook, pens— on second thought, she opens up her sketchbook to a blank page, scribbles a note— Prof. Marie, sorry I couldn’t stick around for the critique, please leave any comments you have on my projects here. Thanks, Maka.— and leans it against her project model.

“Alright, let’s go,” Maka says quietly. Soul straightens, pulls his hands out of his pockets, nods.

“Yeah,” he says, lamely, but for some reason the awkwardness doesn’t bother her. The silence continues all the way back to the house.

Maka is out the instant her head touches her pillow.

just friends

I don’t like “being just friends.”

When you text me because you can’t text your lover, am I just a friend? When you tell me things you won’t tell your lover, am I just a friend? When you cry on my shoulder when your lover leaves you, am I just a friend?

Why should I be just a friend, as if being a friend means I care any less? As if being a friend means I don’t think about you? As if being a friend means I can’t love you anyway?

In eighth grade I loved a stranger. I didn’t understand why I loved this stranger. I didn’t understand how to love this stranger. I didn’t understand that maybe my love was not romantic, and after five years of loving, I still loved this stranger, and he was still a stranger.

Point is, I loved this person without knowing who they were. And I love you, too, but I know you, so fuck you, I don’t want to be just a friend when people ask us if we’re together because we happen to be of opposite genders, because whatever society calls us, we are not just friends.

We are friends. Friends, maybe, with a capital F, if that makes any difference. And we shouldn’t have to be in a romantic relationship to care about each other, to love each other for who we are individually. We shouldn’t even have to want to be in such a relationship— because as much as I love you, I have to say, from what I can tell, you’d make a pretty shitty partner for me, and I’d make a pretty shitty partner for you.

So let’s be friends. Not just friends— but friends, nevertheless. Because, you know, the whole romance thing is overrated anyway.

stockholms projection i

[WHITE]

the room is blank and white. there are no windows, no doors, not even furniture, only panels and emptiness and a little black glass dome in each of the four corners high above her. the only change that ever occurs is the shifting of panels to reveal slots which allow for vacuuming or food or water. her captivity is more maddening than she thought it could be, more maddening than she thought it would be.

Continue reading stockholms projection i

stationary

scream so loud I can’t hear my name
watch my life go up in flame
watch my body burn to a husk
but ashes to ashes and dust to dust

hold on a sec—don’t run away
tell me what’s up—come sit, stay
stop hiding, stop lying
I know you’re not fine
please, I just want you to be okay

I don’t want to think
drown myself in drinks
so I don’t drown myself in pain
drown myself in games
so I don’t drown myself in life
every way I turn I drown and fuck it I feel fine

everything hurts and I want it to stop
trying to hold back but really not
all around me everything looks bleak
just shoot me now and set me free

hold on a sec—don’t run away
tell me what’s up—come sit, stay
stop hiding, stop lying
I know you’re not fine
please, I just want you to be okay

there’s no escape, nowhere to turn
everyone’s watching but no one’s there
everyone should just forget me
and then I can die in peace

that’s enough— stop right there!
what makes you think that we don’t care?
you’re too good at hiding, I only saw you from way over there,
and right now you need to stop being scared!

I don’t know what to do
all I know is that I gotta help you
can’t you see we all care about you?

(WAKE UP)
another morning, another day,
(and face the morning.)
still I don’t know why I’m not away.
(you know if you go you get no warning.)
like I haven’t got the fight
(what am I supposed to say)
I can’t even do this right
(what am I supposed to do)

I can’t even kill myself properly
(don’t you dare die on me)
don’t you dare don’t you dare

I’m more okay now
are you?
I promise
how okay
less than okay, but still better than before
good

I heard you
you did?
it helped
it did?
thanks for everything
you owe me
I know

does it help?
a little. a lot.
then I’ll try to keep you in my debt.
you’re cruel.
I’m practical.
fair enough.
and they’re only letters, anyway.
we still need to buy stationary.

*

beaten, broken, freed

she runs and runs and runs, light on her feet but heavy in her heart. the road stretches straight before her, but she knows her feet will not follow.

she slows, stops, turns. she follows her footsteps in the wrong direction, heel to toeprint and toe to heelprint. she knows who waits at the end (the beginning), knows not if they are waiting at all.

Oh, dear.

Reeducation is astonishingly ineffective, Cecil notes between screams, when one’s pain receptors have been muted, and simple reactions have been hardwired in response to otherwise pain-inducing stimuli. It gets pretty boring, and it’s a dreadful waste of time, but still: ineffective.

He is mildly concerned when his reeducation counselor draws a knife (diamond, of course, with a rubber handle so that the counselor doesn’t experience any shock that might interfere with his counseling) and taps it against his throat, and then he is indignant when his reeducation counselor cuts into his collar. Blood is difficult to get out of clothes and— no, no, no, he’s going to have to pray at the bloodstone for hours to fix this now, and this is Carlos’s favorite shirt.

Strongly annoyed now, Cecil forces himself to his feet and announces, “Management would like me to come in early today. Could you please see me out?”

Moments later he is standing in his recording booth with no memory of how he got there. The electricity lingers in his system— his fingers and limbs and eyes are all jittery and his vocal chords are still emitting slight whimpers every now and again. His shirt is whole and bloodless, but not Carlos’s favorite, and he scowls at the thought that they might never see that shirt again.

Management wanting him in early was a lie, of course, but Cecil is sure that if he’d been in reeducation for too much longer today he might have attacked his counselor and been assigned even more reeducation. He has a good two hours before his show begins, and so he calls Carlos.

Soma Week Day 2: Nosebleed

When Black☆Star texts Soul YOUR GOD NEEDS THE HOUSE FOR THE DAY and doesn’t respond to Soul’s furious responses, Soul figures he’s been sexiled. Again. And this time from the whole house, instead of just their room, not that he particularly enjoyed listening to his housemates last time. He debates whether he should move out or what, but rent is expensive on his own and he really doesn’t want to call his parents.

He resigns himself to crashing at Kilik’s place for the night, and tries to avoid thinking about what (or, more disturbingly, where) Tsubaki and Black☆Star might be doing right now. His classes ended early today, and he doesn’t want to hang around Kilik’s apartment like a creep, so he heads to the nearest off-campus café, which is, of course, a Deathbucks.

It’s somewhere between afternoon and evening, and the café is deserted but for a couple of staff and a guy in a baseball cap and a hoodie. Soul grabs an Izze from the cooler— no need to stay up half the night on caffeine— hesitates over the pastries, and decides to treat himself with a morning bun for putting up with Black☆Star.

He’s got his laptop with him, thankfully, because it’s Friday and Fridays are Skype days with his brother. Admittedly, he could Skype from his phone, but it feels half-assed and he hates doing that to Wes.

He’s well into a one sided vidcall (noise-canceling headphones plugged in, seeing and listening to Wes, typing responses, because he hates talking to his laptop in public) when someone takes the seat across from him. Annoyed, he glances up, catches sight of the baseball cap, and blurts, “Shit, I thought you were a dude!”

Wes’s surprised laughter is jarring in the face of the spine of a book. Starbursts bloom across his vision, and dazing him for a moment until he feels something trickling down his lip.

“Fuck, Maka, I know I deserved that, but did you have to give me a nosebleed?”